The little things

Sometimes when I can't handle the big things I life I begin to focus maybe a little too intently on the little things that I CAN control. How neatly the couch cushions are fluffed, how even the bed spread is, how clean the car is, how tidy the mulch beds are...it goes on and on. For people who suffer from anxiety, it is very difficult for us to feel like life's big situations are not within our control. So we have this funny way of becoming consumed with things that are in our control and that consumption can rally divert you from what Gods LAN for your day are. There is the difficulty in being a women of faith... I know that I am NOT in any way in control of any situation, whether big or little, but sometimes...ok, a LOT of times, my body takes over and seems to forget what my heart knows. Over the years I have been imposing a tremendous amount of guilt on myself about if I was a better Christian, then I wouldn't have these feelings. If I love God and trust Him as much as I do, then I should feel that He is in control of all the areas of my life. Who am I to think that I am so important that anything I can do is gong to change that plan. So there is the guilt. But you knows what? God knows my heart and knows that I love Him and that I trust Him in my deepest depths...and it's OK if sometimes my battles with this anxiety want to try to tell me otherwise.  I don't need to feel bad that I have these feelings. They are just feelings...what is important is how I choose to let them control me. How I respond to those feelings is in my control, even if the fears are not. So I have a new approach. When I feel myself start to get that send of overwhelm, I think of this verse,

 " Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." Proverbs 19:21

So I ask myself this.. Am I worrying about this situation because this is the plan that I have for myself right now, or is this part of the plan that God has made for me. It doesn't really matter how even the cushions are on the couch if I have made straightening them become more important than what I rally need to be focused on throughout my day. And I'm not saying that those little thing s don't need to be attended to in the running of our homes..but take care not to let those little things become too important that you miss out on the Lords purpose for your day, not your own.

And one more thing.....if you are suffering with anxiety as well, then don't ever feel like it is your fault. Like you are failing in your faith because you are filled with worry. We are beautifully and wonderfully made in His image and God made you just the way you are. 

Faithfully anxious

. I want to share my experiences being a longtime sufferer of anxiety disorder while being a follower of Christ. To many, these things are not synonymous. To be a believer means that I should be living free of fear and worry and anxiety for these are all things that come from the devil. Yet here I am. Loving God. Feeling anxious. I often find myself feeling that I have somehow failed at my faith because I can't get rid of the feelings. But here is the thing.. God loves me despite this. He knows where where with these struggles and where my heart lies. Full of faith, full of devotion, full of love...and full of worry. I wish that I could get rid of it, love it away, believe it away. But I can't and I accept that because my God accepts it. Accepts me and accepts my struggles. So here I am Lord, open and honest and willing to let you reveal your works through me. Maybe together we can quiet some of these storms.

I Am A Military Wife....

I have chosen to devote my life to following the service of my husband and following his career wherever it may lead us.

I have left my friends at each new location every three or four years.

I have figured out how to be alone for dinner half of the time.

I have given up my opportunities to have a stable, in tact career and instead have to start over each time that I move.

I have seen my child walk, say words for the first time, celebrate holidays, cry for her Daddy, get sick, get hurt, make a soccer goal, give a dance performance...and I have been the only one that has seen it.

I Am A Military Wife...

I get asked all the time how I can stand to be by myself so much, and I am tired of having to give the answer.

I am hundreds of miles form my closest family member.

My children's grandparents have seen them only a handful of times, and yet I know many people who's child is at their grandparents every time the need a night off.

I have eaten chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for dinner over fifty times this year.

I have been the brave voice on the phone telling him that everything is fine because that is my job.

I Am A Military Wife......

I have gone without just about everything at times so that my children will never have to want.

I have had to grow out haircuts and give up getting my nails done or my hair highlighted when money was tight between moves.

I have had to get up in the middle of the night dozens of times with my sick babies and then had to get up and go to work.

I have had to wear clothes that are too small/too big/put of style because that is what I have.

I Am A Military Wife....

I have gone through the times of plenty and the times of want.

I have gotten spoiled to the privileges that my husbands career has awarded me and then I have had to learn to be without them.

I have had to struggle to find work because my husbands job comes first and I am limited to the hours that I can find childcare.

I have had to give up precious hours with my children to work to support them.

I Am A Military Wife....

I have sat through church services alone and defeated and cried at the sound of the hymns.

I have had to lean on my neighbors to literally hold me up when I can not stand.

I have had to beg for favors, at all hours of the night when I have ben the only one there.

I can make dinner, wash the dog, vacuum the house, do homework, and talk on the phone at the same time to my deployed husband because that is when he happened to call.

I have carried my phone into the bathroom, work place, church...is case that is when the call comes in.

I Am A Miltary Wife.....

I am the forgotten demographic, the politically neglected.

I am looked down upon because I am the support.

I am felt sorry for by people who say that they know what it is like but who do little to help me.

I am reprimanded for the choice to be the wife.

I am reprimanded for my choice to raise my children myself.

I Am a Military Wife.....

I know how to be brave when I am not.

I am the one who always has to make everything okay for my sad babies.

I am the one who comes last, and I have CHOSEN that role.

I am the dependent, I accept that all that I have been blessed with has come from my husband's job.

I Am A Military Wife....

I have to say no to invitations when I can not afford to attend.

I have had to ask my parents for help.

I have had to cry on the phone to long distance friends who know just how it is.

I have had to learn strength and will power when it seems I have none left.

I Am A Military Wife...

I have chosen my role because I love my husband I love my country.

I will gladly answer to all of those who chose to tell me that my role is meaningless.

I will fight my way to make the best of every situation that I am given because that is what it means to support.

I believe in the right that I have to raise my children and do all that I can to support them however I have to.

I will not feel sorry for myself because of what I have not, but I will give all praise to Almighty God for what I have been given.

I Am A Military Wife....

I am strong when I think that I am weak, I am a voice to the ones who are there with me as well. We are the forgotten causalities, we are the CORE of the family and the ones who have CHOSEN to give up whatever we can give to be there for our husbands and our children.

I AM A Military Wife....

And I have a voice.

Changes

Hello all..I have been absent from the bloggin world for quite sometime as we have undergone some MAJOR changes in the Schukte family. We found out in March that Kevin had received an assignment to Moody Air Force Base in Georgia, and we began the process of making the transition to the south. He is part of the 820th Base Defense Squadron here and is doing deployment training. It is a welcome change to have him on the ground, and even though this assignment will mean deployments, I am going to have him here more often then I did in Maryland. I quit my job at the beginning of June, Merrin finished up first grade and we made our trip down on the 26th of June. We split the trip up into two days, and aside form the dog puking in the car, the trip was not bad at all. We knew that we were going to be purchasing our first home here in Georgia, so that meant that we spent our first 26 days here living in Air Force Temporary Lodging Facility. As awful as that may sound to some, it was actually kind of fun to be there all together. Kevin had a couple weeks off of work and we spent the time exploring our new community, playing games, watching movies, and LOTS of time at the base pool. We found our house here relatively quickly ( it was the seventh house we looked at) and got to move in on the 20 of July. Kevin was already back at work by then, but was able to be here on move in day. Our movers were TERRIBLE and we relieved them of their duties about thirty minutes into the day. Kevin and I moved in everything ourselves, with some help form a couple of buddies with the washer and dryer, and began getting everything set up. Here it is the 14th of August, and we finally finished everything yesterday. This is the house of my dreams. Amazing location, beautiful wood floors, open spaces, room for the kids...everything I could want in a house. I don't want to ever leave it. Merrin started school at Dewar Elementary on the 5th and seems to LOVE her school so far. It is a very nice facility and her teacher seems wonderful and very well suited and accommodating to Merrin and her needs. I am VERY relieved to have that work out for her. I am still waiting to go back to work. Sadly, I am leaving all my years in home childcare and will be working for the new Child Development Center here. I am sad to leave me years at home and I will miss the flexibility and opportunities I had with being at home. However, there is an ABUNDANCE of childcare facilities here and the need for in home care is much smaller. I simply would not receive the business I would need to stay open. After all my years in childcare, i am able to take on a good position and Eden will be in the facility with me in an all day program until she starts kindergarten next year and then will be abel to go to the School Age Program with Merrin. I am sad to not be at home with them anymore, but the childcare programs here are excellent and the opportunity for me to go into the position that I can take here is excellent. I will be able to finish my Child Development degree and have an opportunity to enter the GS system. Kevin's job is going well, he has a lot of leadership opportunities and likes the people he has met. His unit is going through some major transitions right now in terms of structure and leadership and he is anxious to see what the outcome is as things are handed over. The girls are loving it here, they ADORE the house and having their own rooms, and I think that they have enjoyed having me home for the summer with them which was a rare and precious opportunity for me. I have loved the chance to be here with them and get to spend precious time with them before I go back to wokr. The city of Valdosta is adorable and the older part of the city has a quaint and charming streetfromt. There are many of the things that we are used to, there is a mall, and lots of restaurants and Target and HOBBY LOBBY, as well as a $1.99 movie which we love. There is less in terms of constant entertainment then we had in MAryland, but the chance to be at home together and play board games and sit on the porch is good for us. I have had lots of crafting time while waiting to return to work and have caught up on several scrap[booking prjects. We have taken one day trip to Atlanta to the aquarium and are taking the girls to Tamp next weekend for Merrins birthday. We are doing well here, and adjusting to the many changes and new way of life. We have tried a few churches out, and have some others that were recommended to us by friends still to try before we make our permanent decision on our church home. People ehere are so gracious and loving and sweet and much more friendly. Change is always hard, especially for those of us who have, shall we say, control issues.....but I am adapting. there are days that I miss Maryland and that I miss my friends and the things that I was used to ..but that is life. Move gives and opportunity to find new things abort yourself and experience new parts of life ad new parts of our family. God has an ultimate plan for us, and when I feel frustrated, I remember that. I am grateful for my amazing home, that Kevin and I have been blessed with work and that I have the amazing abundance of Gods calming hands to help me adjust. And one more thing....there are LOT of gnats here. Its funny no one mentions that part to you....

Why I Cant Stand Lady Gaga...

OH...how good it feels to be able to have ten uninterupted minutes to write. I have not been able to post aything in FAR to long. Things are getting crazy, crazy, crazy. We are moving to Georgia in SIX WEEKS!!!! and there is always much to do....alas, I am finally getting a posting up. What's been on my mind lately....hmm, what isnt. I plan to write on the subject of public schools, judgement, Gods plan for marriage, raising posetive children in a negative world and many more other thought provoking subjects but not today...today is LADY GAGA.

I absolutley CAN NOT STAND LADA GAGA.

First and for most, as a musician myself, I respect an artists need to perfect and present thier given art form in a method of thier choice. The way that she performs is her agenda, and a matter of taste. To each his own. NOT to mine. I can not stand her voice, I think that she sounds like she is whining and screaming. I can not stand her subject matter, nor can i stand that the music is SOOOO repetitive that people are always playing and singing it. That is my personal opinion. I have my own musical preference. I like Ray Lamontagne, Rufus Wainwright, Tori Amos, Luka Bloom, Dar Williams..many singer/songwriter types. And I LOVE Radiohead and most all classic rock, especially LED ZEPPLIN. That is my choice in music, and not everyone is going to agree with my preferences either. And the great thing about music is that there is so much variety and genres for us to choose from. Music speakes to us as individuals in many different ways and our reasons for connecting with a piece or an artist can vary from just liking the sound, to appreciating the lyrics, to marveling at the level of musicianship.

Why I cant stand Lady Gaga:

She is a gimic. She does things for shock value. She is self centered and likes attention. Why else would you dress like that? Why would you wear a dress made of meat or enter an award show in a giant bubble? She is going for shock value, for outrageous reactions and to me that is an insult to the music industry. People know more about her outrageous antics and her shocking outfits then they do about her music. She is more concerned about the performance aspect then letting her music sell itself. ( not that i would like it any more, but im just sayin...)

Pop music in general is a HUGE disappointment to me. Most of the artist do not write thier own music, many of them are not classically trained musicians who play thier own instruments. I realize that this is not ALL true, but in many cases it is. Artists like Lada Gaga, Britney Spears, Katy Perry,Christina Aguilara.and many others are in the business for the entertainment value. In my opinion, the music is not really that good, not really that original, and is mostly marketed on the premises of sexual promiscuity, revealing costumes and lavish concerts. But that being said, I can tolerate some of the other pop princesses more then Lady Gaga.What is the need for all the crazy behavior?? Its a cry for attention. Dont give me the excuse that she is just expressing herself...if you walk into an award show in a giant egg incubator YOU ARE ASKING FOR ATTENTION.!!!! I CANT STAND IT.Give me a man and a guitar. No fancy lights, no sequins, no aluminum foil hats and meat dresses. I want to hear THE MUSIC. When it is just about the music and the soul of the song and the heart of the performance. I dont need a fancy gimic to get me to listen, I just want to hear someone PLAY and play from a deep and genuine place and then the music will speak for itself. Give me Paul Simon, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, Joni Mitchell, Fleetwood Mac, Carly Simon...even Jason Mraz, David Gray, Ryan Adams. Lets get back to sweeter, organic sound. Thats not to say that I only like singer/songwriters. I LOVE Radiohead...but they are all classically trained musicians. There sound is organic, original and they dont come onto stage wearing outrageous costumes and carrying boa constrictors. The music speaks for itself. This is just my opinion, and you of course are entitled to yours. And one more thing....why in the world does she go by Lady Gaga anyway?

It has been recently brought to my attention, by several different sources, that I talk a lot.I know that I talk a lot. I have always talked a lot. I have a very random thought process, that mostly contains of the fact that I think out loud and I think very randomly. For instance...my friend just reminded me about a story I once told about how everytime I see garbage bags on the side of the highway, I anticipate that it could be filled with dead bodies. Everytime that I walk in the woods, I feel like I am going to happen upon lost children. I sit up at night thinking of a plan if someone were to break into my house at any moment....basically I often anticipate the worst possible scenario. Oddly though, I would consider myself to be a pretty positive person. Someone told me recently that I do this thing when I am having a converstaion, where I tend to talk over them, fill in thier answers, anticipate what they MUST be thinking and basically hold the whoel converstaion with myself. Well that cant be fun for the person on the other end of that conversation. So, obsess is what I do best, so I have been thinking about why I think that I do this. One. I am ALWAYS thinking. I am always wondering about things that have not happened to me yet, or fear that things will repeat the same pattern that they have in the past, or wondering about some off the wall subject. Then I feel this overwhelmong need to share EVERY BIT of this information with everyone who I come in contact with. Two. I am ALWAYS analyzing. I am trying to figure out what people are thinking, mainly what they think of me and what they are thinking about what i am saying. I think that I know people that are close to me very well, so I think that I know what they are going to say. Three. I am impatient. I like to dominate conversations. Its not that I don't care what you are saying to me, I really do. But I am also anxious to relate to it and somehow bring it into my own experiences. I am a problem solver. If someone comes to me with a situation, it is far more likely that I am going to try to "fix" your problem then really just listen and empathize with you. I have mixed feelings about this quality in myself. Four. I am DEEPLY disturbed by long periods in which no one says anything. When I am driving somewhere with my husband, he would be happy not to say a word the entire way there. I think that the only reason anyone could POSSSIBLY have for not talking is if they are upset. Therefore when it gets too quiet I start analyzing what I could have done to upset the other person. Are they mad at me? Are they upset about something I did? Five. Genetics. Six. Constant need for approval and to feel like people are relating to me. I think that most of us have a hard time feeling like those around us REALLY understand what we are like. Who we are. What our lives are like, what our days are like, its hard to really know someone that way. But we are all desperate to feel understood. The truth is, no one will really ever know what it is like to be us. The things that we struggle with, worry about, love, hate, are irritated with...no one will really know that.

My immediate reaction to being told that I talk a lot, was yeah I talk...but half the time no one is really listening. Its more of my random babble. Calming myself down and just bringing the listener along. The things is, I don't think a lot of the time that I am expecting the other person to really KNOW....just for them to empathize. The most important thing I can get from this is actually in two parts....ONE i need to stop thinking that other people are going to always get it. Sometimes they will, sometimes they wont. I also need to stop trying to fix everyone else's lives. People aren't always seeking an answer.The same way that I am not.TWO. I need to realize that conversations are two part. There is speaking, then listening. Asking and answering. If I am having the whole conversation with myself, I am not really allowing the other person to think for themselves. I may think that I know what someone is going to say, but you may be surprised if you let them actually answer. I also am trying, TRYING, to learn that silence is not always bad. Just because someone is not talking to me, it does not mean that they hate me and are annoyed by the fact I am even sitting next to them. Sometimes silence is just that. Silence. No need to analyze further then that. I find that as I wrote this blog...the reason i started this was basically to have a constant outlet to " think out loud" no one is necessarily going to answer me. But I still learn to define and resolve my anxieties by putting them out there. and one more thing....those of you that have listened to HOURS of me going on and on about nothing in particular.thanks.

Anxious

Sometimes I think that my anxiety is overtaking my life. I think that I have been a fairly anxiety ridden person for most of my life, I obsess over things REALLY bad. I always worry about what people think of me. I am a people pleaser, perfectionist, dont like change....etc. In some ways my anxiety has gotten better over the years. Some of the things that I used to obsess over are gone. But wait. Now they have been replaced with NEW obsessions. OK, its not beter. Its worse. I am really bothered by crowds of people for one...we went to the Baltimore Aquarium this weekend with our girls and as I was standing in the crowded giftshop, my palms began to sweat, I got shaky and started feeing like everything was closing in. Thats one of my issues. Then there is my obsession with germs....I have a PROFUND FEAR of being sick, one of my kids being sick, anyone being sick, the thought if sickness, the word sickness. I sanitize all the time, wipe down groery carts, door knobs, bleach toys, carry lysol srpay and hand sanitizer. When kids get sick and their boogers are running down thier face and the wipe/eat/lick/blow them, I get heart palpatations. The words, " Mom, my stomach hurts." make me literally fear my pulse raise. Yet my kids have had some pretty strange boughts of illness...we have scarlet fever, HINI, various allergic reactions, cold, flus, fevers, strep throat...and everytime I have to decontaminate EVERYTHING. I just bought a new washer with a sanatize cycle. It gives me comfort.I am really obsessive over certain elements of my house...like the allignment of the couch cusions, the way the beds are made, dust on glass surfaces, pilows being fluffed the same way, vaccum lines in the carpet.....etc. Hi. My name is Rebecca and I am a neat freak. I dont care for the mess to happen. I let my kids do a lot of art and play in the dirt and lay anyway they want to, but GOd help me as soon as the project is done, everything has to get cleaned up right away and go right back in its place. When Eden opens new gifts, she immediately goes and puts them where they belong. OCD at four. Thanks, genetics. I freak out REALLY easily over things. I dont like unexpected, or different, or change. I dont handle the unexpected well.AT ALL. I like a very orderly flow to my day, dont like when my plan gets disrupted, or my agenda altered. That being said, I work with children for a living. I find my line of work to be a kind of therepy..a way to say" Hey, Rebecca...no matter what you think YOU have planned for today, we have DIFFERENT plans..hahahahahaha." Working with children for a livin, though it is hard for me in many ways, has taught me to lighten up and let the dishes sit for a minute and read another story. Having children around me is very good for my soul. My latest obession, is over the fact that I talk to much. I care WAY to much what people think of me, and I am trying VERY hard to let that go. I like everyone to be happy, dont like conflict, will usually defalut my own preferences and needs to make someone else happy...blahhhhh. I am working on not being like that. I had like five people in the last couple of weeks tell me that I talk to much. Its not like I dont KNOW that I talk to much. I know this. I think that I do it becuase I have a constant need for reasssurance. And I think out loud. My stories often make no sense becuase as I am talking, one point makes me think of another point and then I end up having an entire conversation with myself.

I want to learn to listen.

Jesus tells a parable in the book of John about sheep following thier shepherd. The sheep( us) know the sound of the shepherd voice ( Christ) and we are supposed to follow it. To trust it. When the shepherd speaks, we are to listen and to let Him guide us. If I am constantly filling my day with my own thoughts and obsessions and inner dialogue....how am I going to hear what He is telling me? I need to quiet my mind and let the voice of GOD guide me with my day and realize that I am not in control of any of this. I have no control over how my day is going to go. I CAN control how I handle it. I don' t think that I am going to suddenly be able to quiet all of the things in my mind that tell me what to panic about. But I do think that I can learn to stop and listen to the voice of God telling me that its going to be alright and that I can somehow handle it. And one more thing..... really, when we stop and listen, the message that is really being given is not what we thought it was at all.