It has been recently brought to my attention, by several different sources, that I talk a lot.I know that I talk a lot. I have always talked a lot. I have a very random thought process, that mostly contains of the fact that I think out loud and I think very randomly. For instance...my friend just reminded me about a story I once told about how everytime I see garbage bags on the side of the highway, I anticipate that it could be filled with dead bodies. Everytime that I walk in the woods, I feel like I am going to happen upon lost children. I sit up at night thinking of a plan if someone were to break into my house at any moment....basically I often anticipate the worst possible scenario. Oddly though, I would consider myself to be a pretty positive person. Someone told me recently that I do this thing when I am having a converstaion, where I tend to talk over them, fill in thier answers, anticipate what they MUST be thinking and basically hold the whoel converstaion with myself. Well that cant be fun for the person on the other end of that conversation. So, obsess is what I do best, so I have been thinking about why I think that I do this. One. I am ALWAYS thinking. I am always wondering about things that have not happened to me yet, or fear that things will repeat the same pattern that they have in the past, or wondering about some off the wall subject. Then I feel this overwhelmong need to share EVERY BIT of this information with everyone who I come in contact with. Two. I am ALWAYS analyzing. I am trying to figure out what people are thinking, mainly what they think of me and what they are thinking about what i am saying. I think that I know people that are close to me very well, so I think that I know what they are going to say. Three. I am impatient. I like to dominate conversations. Its not that I don't care what you are saying to me, I really do. But I am also anxious to relate to it and somehow bring it into my own experiences. I am a problem solver. If someone comes to me with a situation, it is far more likely that I am going to try to "fix" your problem then really just listen and empathize with you. I have mixed feelings about this quality in myself. Four. I am DEEPLY disturbed by long periods in which no one says anything. When I am driving somewhere with my husband, he would be happy not to say a word the entire way there. I think that the only reason anyone could POSSSIBLY have for not talking is if they are upset. Therefore when it gets too quiet I start analyzing what I could have done to upset the other person. Are they mad at me? Are they upset about something I did? Five. Genetics. Six. Constant need for approval and to feel like people are relating to me. I think that most of us have a hard time feeling like those around us REALLY understand what we are like. Who we are. What our lives are like, what our days are like, its hard to really know someone that way. But we are all desperate to feel understood. The truth is, no one will really ever know what it is like to be us. The things that we struggle with, worry about, love, hate, are irritated with...no one will really know that.

My immediate reaction to being told that I talk a lot, was yeah I talk...but half the time no one is really listening. Its more of my random babble. Calming myself down and just bringing the listener along. The things is, I don't think a lot of the time that I am expecting the other person to really KNOW....just for them to empathize. The most important thing I can get from this is actually in two parts....ONE i need to stop thinking that other people are going to always get it. Sometimes they will, sometimes they wont. I also need to stop trying to fix everyone else's lives. People aren't always seeking an answer.The same way that I am not.TWO. I need to realize that conversations are two part. There is speaking, then listening. Asking and answering. If I am having the whole conversation with myself, I am not really allowing the other person to think for themselves. I may think that I know what someone is going to say, but you may be surprised if you let them actually answer. I also am trying, TRYING, to learn that silence is not always bad. Just because someone is not talking to me, it does not mean that they hate me and are annoyed by the fact I am even sitting next to them. Sometimes silence is just that. Silence. No need to analyze further then that. I find that as I wrote this blog...the reason i started this was basically to have a constant outlet to " think out loud" no one is necessarily going to answer me. But I still learn to define and resolve my anxieties by putting them out there. and one more thing....those of you that have listened to HOURS of me going on and on about nothing in particular.thanks.

Anxious

Sometimes I think that my anxiety is overtaking my life. I think that I have been a fairly anxiety ridden person for most of my life, I obsess over things REALLY bad. I always worry about what people think of me. I am a people pleaser, perfectionist, dont like change....etc. In some ways my anxiety has gotten better over the years. Some of the things that I used to obsess over are gone. But wait. Now they have been replaced with NEW obsessions. OK, its not beter. Its worse. I am really bothered by crowds of people for one...we went to the Baltimore Aquarium this weekend with our girls and as I was standing in the crowded giftshop, my palms began to sweat, I got shaky and started feeing like everything was closing in. Thats one of my issues. Then there is my obsession with germs....I have a PROFUND FEAR of being sick, one of my kids being sick, anyone being sick, the thought if sickness, the word sickness. I sanitize all the time, wipe down groery carts, door knobs, bleach toys, carry lysol srpay and hand sanitizer. When kids get sick and their boogers are running down thier face and the wipe/eat/lick/blow them, I get heart palpatations. The words, " Mom, my stomach hurts." make me literally fear my pulse raise. Yet my kids have had some pretty strange boughts of illness...we have scarlet fever, HINI, various allergic reactions, cold, flus, fevers, strep throat...and everytime I have to decontaminate EVERYTHING. I just bought a new washer with a sanatize cycle. It gives me comfort.I am really obsessive over certain elements of my house...like the allignment of the couch cusions, the way the beds are made, dust on glass surfaces, pilows being fluffed the same way, vaccum lines in the carpet.....etc. Hi. My name is Rebecca and I am a neat freak. I dont care for the mess to happen. I let my kids do a lot of art and play in the dirt and lay anyway they want to, but GOd help me as soon as the project is done, everything has to get cleaned up right away and go right back in its place. When Eden opens new gifts, she immediately goes and puts them where they belong. OCD at four. Thanks, genetics. I freak out REALLY easily over things. I dont like unexpected, or different, or change. I dont handle the unexpected well.AT ALL. I like a very orderly flow to my day, dont like when my plan gets disrupted, or my agenda altered. That being said, I work with children for a living. I find my line of work to be a kind of therepy..a way to say" Hey, Rebecca...no matter what you think YOU have planned for today, we have DIFFERENT plans..hahahahahaha." Working with children for a livin, though it is hard for me in many ways, has taught me to lighten up and let the dishes sit for a minute and read another story. Having children around me is very good for my soul. My latest obession, is over the fact that I talk to much. I care WAY to much what people think of me, and I am trying VERY hard to let that go. I like everyone to be happy, dont like conflict, will usually defalut my own preferences and needs to make someone else happy...blahhhhh. I am working on not being like that. I had like five people in the last couple of weeks tell me that I talk to much. Its not like I dont KNOW that I talk to much. I know this. I think that I do it becuase I have a constant need for reasssurance. And I think out loud. My stories often make no sense becuase as I am talking, one point makes me think of another point and then I end up having an entire conversation with myself.

I want to learn to listen.

Jesus tells a parable in the book of John about sheep following thier shepherd. The sheep( us) know the sound of the shepherd voice ( Christ) and we are supposed to follow it. To trust it. When the shepherd speaks, we are to listen and to let Him guide us. If I am constantly filling my day with my own thoughts and obsessions and inner dialogue....how am I going to hear what He is telling me? I need to quiet my mind and let the voice of GOD guide me with my day and realize that I am not in control of any of this. I have no control over how my day is going to go. I CAN control how I handle it. I don' t think that I am going to suddenly be able to quiet all of the things in my mind that tell me what to panic about. But I do think that I can learn to stop and listen to the voice of God telling me that its going to be alright and that I can somehow handle it. And one more thing..... really, when we stop and listen, the message that is really being given is not what we thought it was at all.

The Mom Contest

Mothers are competitive beasts. The expression "Mama Lion" didn't come from no where. Mothers are protective, instinctive and if need be vicious. I have been thinking a lot lately about the amount of competition that there is between mothers. Most of the women in my life are mothers and when we get together our topic of conversation often turns to our children. I find it very interesting how fast we all need to get our story told about our own personal experience. When you are around a woman that has just had a baby, you can but that all the other mothers sitting around her are going to be telling each other how longs their labor was and what position they gave birth in and what their baby looked like when it was finally born. We cant help ourselves. We are proud of our hard work and are anxious to feel that " mothering connection" with all the other Mommy's in the neighborhood. This is not really what I mean by " The Mom Contest".....As children grow they make various developmental progressions. some of them start walking earlier then others, take to potty training easier then others, sleep through the night sooner, talk sooner, talk better, sit up, roll over, recognize letter, learn to read.... Why is it necessary that we mother find a need to define our worthiness as human being by how quickly our children meet these milestones? Does it really matter that your child started reading before mine? Does this make your child somehow smarter and is this somehow indicative of their successfulness in life? Moms have this crazy need to out do each other. Somehow the idea is that our kids reflect the kind of person that we are, and how good of a job we are doing. My Merrin is known for her outrageous statements and ideas and has many times come out with things in social settings that have gotten me many disgruntled looks by other mothers, as if to say " What kind of mother would let her child say/do that??" Oh my gosh. I am failing all of her social/emotion/physical/cognitive development because she sings a song about vaginas as we walk through Target. What I am really thinking in this moment is I am grateful that she knows the correct anatomical name for her body parts and does not call it by some nickname. Why do mothers care SO MUCH about what other mothers are doing. I think it comes down to the fact that mothering is most of our full time jobs. Therefore, the impact that we get form the world is our job review. I know a lot of parents that have a lot of input into what their kids wear. Somehow, the outfits that we dress them in show how good we take care of them..therefore the better the clothes, the more successful the parenting. I have let my kids go to grocery in snow white costumes and rainboots. They were mismatched colors, clothes that they love so much they refuse to grow out of, and Merrin loves to tuck her t shirts into her short. ( and we all know how cute that look is..) I don't let my kids go out dirty, then are always clean and usually matching if it is an important occasion, but mostly I don't really care if they wanna wear what they pick out. I am fostering their self exploration and their sense of confidence. There are so few choice in childhood, why control this one too. Anyhow....this extends to myself as well. I am a full time daycare provider and usually travel in herds. There are days that I have dried up boogers on my shirt, crusted over play doh, splattered spaghetti sauce and paint in my hair. Do the other mom look at me and think, " Wow, she looks like she really had fun interacting with her kids today!"..maybe some do... but I get more looks that say" Wow, she could certain have put a little more effort in." WHY??? WHO CARES!!!!! I am a firm believer in attachment parenting, I raised both my girls this way and I stand behind it. I never sleep trained, we co slept in my bed and I held them in slings all the time. I nursed them until they quit on their own and neither girl ever drank a botttle. THis is my parenting approach. It works for ME. I know MANY other styles of parenting that have ben equally successful and all of our kids turned out JUST FINE. Next time you ask a mom why she let her baby sleep in her bed with he, consider why does this really matter to YOU??? HWy do we have to spend so much time caring about the way that other people raise their kids, that we neglect to look at the way we are raising our own. It is better to examine the grass in your own backyard before you look over the fence at your neighbors.and one more thing.....those moms in the pretty little perfect looking outfits, when your kid comes to give you a big messy hug leaves handprints all over you,and you look like you wanna cry. I'll be sitting happy in my booger covered, play doh crusted sweatshirt and smiling.

A Sense of Entitlement

Now that all the appropriate introductions have been completed it is time to get on with it. What is on my mind today....hmm. Entitlement. I am increasingly annoyed with how the majority of people in our society are walking around thinking that the "deserve" to have things work out a certain way simply because they are who they are. What happened to work ethic ? What happened to the idea that you have to work hard for the things that you have in life and no one "owes"you anything. I find that my generation seems to be the start of this decline in effort. I was at a seminar for my work and the guest speaker gave an example about a college professor offering out her expectations to her class about what was to come over the semester. She said that one of the students in the class asked the professor what she was going to be offering them and what they could expect of her. Then we as the audience were asked if we thought that this student was being rude to ask this, or if she had fair grounds. I was taught that you never second guess an authority figure. I would NEVER ask a teacher something like that because I respect their position as my instructor. Children now are being raised to believe that they have right to question everything that an adult is telling them to do. WHY? What service are we doing to our society to tell children that they have the right to question authority figures. Now, I am not saying that if my child was put into a morally compromising situation ,or one in which she felt was inappropriate that i would not expect her to say something. But in her everyday life I expect my children to listen to adults, respect what they are trying to teach them and abide by their rules without questioning. Everyday of my life I have a child, whether my own or not, ask me why they are expected to meet one of my rules. UHHHH..how about the fact that I am the grown up and you are the child? I am just going to say it. PARENTS ARE TOO INDULGENT. I am including myself in this statement because I admit that I myself can fall into this. It is hard not to. It is easier to give in the demands and let them have their way because the battle is harder then the explanation. But what sort of children are we raising? Ones who grow up to think that they are entitled to have whatever they want just...because. They don't think that they have to work for anything. It really irritates me when I hear parents bribe their children into certain expected behaviors. ( Ok I have done it too. I irritate myself too.)What happened to the idea that you do what your parents tell you to to because they are your parents. There is no explanation or negotiation. I continue to be disappointed by people. Is it really that important that you cut in front of me in the grocery line? Or cut me off on the interstate? Or have your need met first? If it is THAT important to you, then just go ahead. When did everyone become so concerned with themselves. I want my children to be considerate of others, to let someone else go first, to hold open the door for someone with their arms full. I am trying to raise them to do what is expected of them according to the principles of being a good person. A kind person, who respects the request that someone has made of them and that they follow through because that is the right thing to do. There are all kinds of regulations about my job that I find ridiculous. But do I abide by them..of course. That is the expectation that I am supposed to meet in order to keep my license. I try not to question the authority over me, and maybe I find this easier to do because I answer to the almighty authority over all, God. He has set the commandments by which i will like my life and I do not question His ultimate authority. He give me the perfect example as to what sort of life I should be modeling and I follow that whether it meets my own expectations and wishes or not. I am trying to show my children that they are not in control. Our purpose in not to question the authority, but to have faith that He knows what He is doing and that our best interest is at heart. How is that any different then what we are supposed to be doing as parents? Our children are being raised in an era that is going to teach them to question everything. Question their existence, their laws, their teachers, their parents,their faith, their beliefs, their purpose. That is not necessarily a bad thing...but what happens to the respect?

Then There Were Two

Eden is my second born baby. She is the one that we tried to get pregnant with. I knew right after I had Merrin, that I wanted her to have a sibling, so when she was a little over one, we decided to try for another one. I found out that I was pregnant with Eden in April of 2006. We got our orders to leave for Andrews in May. When we moved from Germany I was in the very beginnings of my pregnancy and feeling completely awful, the first few months I was so busy with Merrin and the move that I didnt really get a chance to let it all settle in. Once we were settled in our new home, I began to think about how it was going to be for Merrin to have a little sister. They would get to do all the things that my sister and I used to do..play baby dolls that go to get thier pictures taken at Olan Mills, pretend they were homeless, dump cups of freexing water on each other in the shower and all that other good stuff. Having a little sister is FUN. I had Eden on February 3, 2007.

I was pretty certain that she was NEVER going to come out of my belly. She was almost two full weeks late and had to be induced at that.

Right away I knew that she was going to be nothing like her big sister. She SCREAMED her head of the second she entered the world,( Merrin was totally silent, the only time in her whole life)and had a head full of black hair. She was a very easy and laid back baby, with a sweet nature and super attached to her Mommy. She was head over heels in love with her big sister and was always wanting to be included in whatever she was doing. ( That has not changed). She was a very sweet baby and really only cried if she was not within sight of her Mommy or wanting to eat. She was a late crawler, late walker and I thought she would never start to talk. Just like how she entered the world, she has always had her own timeoline to reach her milestone. Eden can not be rushed.

Eden has grown up to be a very sweet and thoughtful child. She is very concerned with people's feelings, is very sensitive and always genuine. She has always been a Mommy's girl, she shares my particular way of doing things and my extreme concern with what other people think of me. She is silly and loves to make us smile. She is also a lot like her Dad. She is very routine, and orderly and likes things a very certian way. She has his strong heart and his tendency to be an observer and is very good at reading character.

Eden fights for her chance to be heard. Big sister Merrin likes to "dominate the stage" and I think that Eden is jsut starting to know that she has a voice too. One of her new favorite things to say is " You are interupting me!!" She has found some of her independence as she has grown. She still prefers to be with her sister or her Mom, but has gotten to where she will even speak to the other kids in preschool and Sunday school now.When I pick her up she will say, " Mom!! I talked today!!"

I think she feels overshadowed by her big sister sometimes, and is not sure where her voice fits in. I want her to feel that she is valuable to us too and that we wnat to hear what she has to say too. I think maybe this is a little sister thing, but I was the big sister so i guess i did the dominating of the converstaion..sorry Liz.

Unless she is not being listened too...she is still a pretty quiet kid. She entertains herself pretty well, loves to play baby dolls, barbies, painting, to hear stories and to solve puzzles. Eden is my observer. She watches people and studies them. She likes to figure people out and know them really deeply and closely. I hope for her that she keeps this as she learns more abouther God and that she seeks out this close realtionship with Him. She likes to touch peoples faces when she talks to them and studies what they are feeling and thinking. She is sooo sensetive to other people and what they need. She is kind and compassionate.

She can be a little "overemotional" and likes to over dramatize everything. She is SOOOOOO hungry or SOOOOOO tired and she makes a big deal over little things. Her particularities can try my patience as much as Merrin's business can. She likes things HER WAY and lets you knwo if you are not accommodating that. She is a very sweet girl. She is my snugger and my child who likes to be my helper. I hope that she keeps her passion and compassion and sweet and generous spirit.

And I suppose she even keeps her particularities too. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and not letting anyone else's opinion sway your beliefs. She is the perfect little sister and also a really good kid. and one more thing....when ever she gets a new present, she immediately goes and puts it away. wonder where she got that from.....

Then Comes Merrin

I didnt think that I really wanted to have kids. I guess that I did when I was little, but when I grea up all I thought that I wanted was to be a musician. For that sake, I didnt think I really wanted to get married either, but God often has other plans. I found out that I was pregnant with my Merrin on New Years Day of 2004. I COMPLETELY freaked out. To start, the previous night Kevin and I am the Millers ( miss you guys!!) had done a fiar share of sampling the local beers. OS I thought that I was going to have a baby with fetal alcohol poisoning. Then, there was the fact that I was a smoker, then there was my job, the fact that I had only been married SIX MONTHS and moslty the fact that I thought there was NO WAY that I would be able to raise a baby and not completely ruin theier lives. I sort of feel into the pregnancy in a way that I could not have predicted. I quite smoking, and I took good care of myself and I found myself becoming "motherly" with this baby that I would have never thought that I would. I thought that I was too self centered to be a mother. I thought that I was never going to know the right thing to say or do, and that I was going to always be messing up. But then August 19, 2004 with some of those fears, but not ALL of them calmed, I had Merrin.

I stumbled my way through the first few months as all new mothers do, but I thought...hey this is not so bad I can handle this. Did I do the wrong thing sometimes? Yup. Did she fall out of my bed? Yup. Did I not know that I needed to put her in a onesie in the winter? Yup. But I did pretty good. She grew!!! I must have been doing something right because she was rolling, then crawling the walking then talking. Guess what I learned? I am not really all that selfish. In fact, I am pretty selfless....giving up my body, my bed, my sleep, my showering alone, my chance to just do whatever I felt like. And guess what else....I kind of love it.

Merrin is kind. She is sweet, she is empathetic. She is a lover of nature...anyone who experienced FROGS Summer201 can testify to this...She is goofy, and silly and has a good sense of humor. She is sensitive, and cries when she feel that she is not good enough. She has a flair for the dramatic ( wonder where that came from...)

and loves to sing, dnace, write, read, make up stories and tell jokes. She cares about her family and loves to make people feel better. She cares about her friends and her community and the environment ( she is ALWAYS picking up things out of the road) She is like her mother...stubborn, thoguthful, loves to learnd and loves school, cares very much what people think and what kind of person she is. She has my sense of the arts and I love that we share that.

She is also like her father...loves to make people laugh, is driven, has a strong work ethic, cares very much for others and would do anything to help. She also looks just like him and they share a very special bond. They have a similar way about them.

She can test my patience, I would never deny that and there are times I think that she is intentially trying to drive me up the wall. But I am so glad that I decided I could do this mother thing after all. She has changed my life. Literallly. She forces me to be better, to challenge myself and NEVER do things the easy way. She also has an amazing and inspiring faith in God. She renews my own belief with her unquestioning way of trusting. She reads her Bible and tells me that she talks to God when she need help "calming herself down" She says that she feels Him talk to her and that it makes her feel "comfortable" and when she goes in the doors of our church, she says that she feels God with her. Amazing.

She's a pretty cool kid, if I do say so. She is not without her challenges, as I am sure you will read in future postings, but she is a good kid. She has taught me a whole lot more then I have taught her this last six years, and I don't know that she will ever truly know the gratitude I have for that. She gave me confidence when I had none, taught me what selfless really is and what it means to love without out any notions and conditions at all. That is what I suppose I was afraid of in the first place though. Loving something so much that you would literally take your heart out of your body and give it to them if they needed it. But that is an amazing thing. That is the kind of love that was shown to us by our amazing and almighty God. Selfless love, love without any conditions. That is what I am most grateful to Merrin for. For truly allowing me to know what that is and what that means. She is such a great kid.

and one more thing...turns out a few beers are not enough to cause fetal alcohol poisoning after all. phew.

First Comes Love

Ah love. I am going to start by telling about the people that I am going to be writing about the most, my family, and how we came to be just that. I met my husband Kevin in March of 2002. I had just started working at a bank in Hamilton, Ohio and he had just moved into an appartment down the street and came in one day to do his banking. He stalked me for about a month, filling out repeated change of address forms and coming up with other reasons to come talk to me then he finally asked me to go on a date. I agreed we went out for drinks the next night and we have been together since then. This picture is from the first Christmas we spent together.Please excuse the fact that he looks like he is being crushed my a small rhino in the picture. Eden syas as I was uploading the image..." Mom, why is your head so fluffy??" Nice. Anyhow. We dated for a few months, I got fired from the job at the back and pretty much layed around in his apartment all summer while he was at work. Then he joined the Air Force. I went back to school..that was a disaster saved for another posting, and in February of 2003, he left for basic. We were engaged already when he left and were planning to get married in the fall of 2003. (I should have graduated from college then, had I not dropped out like a loser. Like I said...another post.) When I went to se him for his graduation that was my first encounter with what the military was like. No one in my recent family served so I had no idea what to expect.

I basically cried for the entire three days.

I could not possibly imagine how I could stand to not have him around. He was going to get his assignment and I was expected to stay behind and wait??? There was no way. So he called me at work and said he was going to Germany and I said ok and we got married in July of 2003. I dropped out of college got an id card and headed to Wright Patterson Air Force Base to officially get on his orders and become a US Military Dependant. We got married in the backyard of my grandmothers house. It was just our family and very close friends. We set of fire works and bought our food at Sam Club. It was crazy hot, we set of fireworks and it was perfect. I recently watched my wedding video and the first thing that you see us do when we finish the ceremony is light up a cigarette. ( We both used to be smokers).

We have been married for seven and a half years now. Here's the thing about love. When you fall in love in the beginning, you cant imagine how you are going to make it 24 hours through your day until you get to see your love again. You dont want them to see any thing that is imperfect about you, you think about if your toenails are painted and if you shaved your legs and if you said something stupid or that at any moment that if you do the wrong thing that they are going to leave because you are so despeate for them to want you and want to be around. All this time later, I can say that there are several days I have hairy legs, and unpainted toenails and sometimes I am grateful not to see him for 24 hours. But I love him more now then I did then. And that is because I know that he wants to be here. I know that he chose me and that nothing I say or do is going to cause him to go running for the door. Because that is love and that is commitment. You see each other with the flu and making mistakes and not being the perfect thing that you thought that were when you met. This love is better, it is deeper and richer and has no expectations and conditions. I know that no matter if we have hard times that we are in it together and that there is no other person that I can possibly imagine going through all of this with other then him. And one more thing.....he is going to have to see a whole lot more as we grow and change together over the next several years. And that may look a lot worse then unpainted toenails.