Sometimes I think that my anxiety is overtaking my life. I think that I have been a fairly anxiety ridden person for most of my life, I obsess over things REALLY bad. I always worry about what people think of me. I am a people pleaser, perfectionist, dont like change....etc. In some ways my anxiety has gotten better over the years. Some of the things that I used to obsess over are gone. But wait. Now they have been replaced with NEW obsessions. OK, its not beter. Its worse. I am really bothered by crowds of people for one...we went to the Baltimore Aquarium this weekend with our girls and as I was standing in the crowded giftshop, my palms began to sweat, I got shaky and started feeing like everything was closing in. Thats one of my issues. Then there is my obsession with germs....I have a PROFUND FEAR of being sick, one of my kids being sick, anyone being sick, the thought if sickness, the word sickness. I sanitize all the time, wipe down groery carts, door knobs, bleach toys, carry lysol srpay and hand sanitizer. When kids get sick and their boogers are running down thier face and the wipe/eat/lick/blow them, I get heart palpatations. The words, " Mom, my stomach hurts." make me literally fear my pulse raise. Yet my kids have had some pretty strange boughts of illness...we have scarlet fever, HINI, various allergic reactions, cold, flus, fevers, strep throat...and everytime I have to decontaminate EVERYTHING. I just bought a new washer with a sanatize cycle. It gives me comfort.I am really obsessive over certain elements of my house...like the allignment of the couch cusions, the way the beds are made, dust on glass surfaces, pilows being fluffed the same way, vaccum lines in the carpet.....etc. Hi. My name is Rebecca and I am a neat freak. I dont care for the mess to happen. I let my kids do a lot of art and play in the dirt and lay anyway they want to, but GOd help me as soon as the project is done, everything has to get cleaned up right away and go right back in its place. When Eden opens new gifts, she immediately goes and puts them where they belong. OCD at four. Thanks, genetics. I freak out REALLY easily over things. I dont like unexpected, or different, or change. I dont handle the unexpected well.AT ALL. I like a very orderly flow to my day, dont like when my plan gets disrupted, or my agenda altered. That being said, I work with children for a living. I find my line of work to be a kind of therepy..a way to say" Hey, Rebecca...no matter what you think YOU have planned for today, we have DIFFERENT plans..hahahahahaha." Working with children for a livin, though it is hard for me in many ways, has taught me to lighten up and let the dishes sit for a minute and read another story. Having children around me is very good for my soul. My latest obession, is over the fact that I talk to much. I care WAY to much what people think of me, and I am trying VERY hard to let that go. I like everyone to be happy, dont like conflict, will usually defalut my own preferences and needs to make someone else happy...blahhhhh. I am working on not being like that. I had like five people in the last couple of weeks tell me that I talk to much. Its not like I dont KNOW that I talk to much. I know this. I think that I do it becuase I have a constant need for reasssurance. And I think out loud. My stories often make no sense becuase as I am talking, one point makes me think of another point and then I end up having an entire conversation with myself.
I want to learn to listen.
Jesus tells a parable in the book of John about sheep following thier shepherd. The sheep( us) know the sound of the shepherd voice ( Christ) and we are supposed to follow it. To trust it. When the shepherd speaks, we are to listen and to let Him guide us. If I am constantly filling my day with my own thoughts and obsessions and inner dialogue....how am I going to hear what He is telling me? I need to quiet my mind and let the voice of GOD guide me with my day and realize that I am not in control of any of this. I have no control over how my day is going to go. I CAN control how I handle it. I don' t think that I am going to suddenly be able to quiet all of the things in my mind that tell me what to panic about. But I do think that I can learn to stop and listen to the voice of God telling me that its going to be alright and that I can somehow handle it. And one more thing..... really, when we stop and listen, the message that is really being given is not what we thought it was at all.
Becca, I totally understand and can relate to your struggles! My aim is always to strive for a quite and gentle spirit. These two verses came to mind as I was reading your post:
ReplyDelete"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things." Philippians 4:8
I can relate a bit. I don't know that I talk " alot" per se, but I interject opinions where they aren't really necessary many times and don't usually catch it until after the words have escaped my mouth and I can't get them back. I'm always afraid that I come off as a "know it all." All that being said, I know God gave me this ability to speak my mind...I also know He gave me the power to keep it to myself when necessary. God gave you the ability to express yourself (thoroughly ;p) through your words...and he also gave you the power to listen intently to others. I've never walk away from a conversation with you thinking, "man...she just doesn't hush!" I always enjoy talking to you. I always feel like I've been listened too. Hope that encourages you a bit!
ReplyDelete